It seems my rejection sensitivity is just too much to deal with when it comes to people.
Jackie messaged and asked if I wanted to meet up the following day. I said yes, of course. Then I woke up the next morning to a late-night message from her saying she was sorry but couldn’t make it after all. No explanation or anything.
I know she’d been unwell recently, so I asked if she was feeling okay. She replied that she was, much better, thank you.
So what was that all about?
Had she got a better offer? Changed her mind? Decided she couldn’t be bothered after all?
I’ve not heard from her since, and if I’m honest, I’m not sure I’ll respond if she does. Not until she’s sent at least three messages begging for my friendship, anyway.
I know this is ridiculous. I also know it’s about maintaining some sense of control. If I ignore her first, then she can’t reject me. At least, that’s the theory. It’s not exactly a recipe for building friendships, is it?
Then there’s my other online friend, who also lives locally but whom I haven’t met yet.
We’ve been chatting for around two months, often messaging several times a day.
She had a bit of a disaster this week with her car and finances and was understandably feeling pretty down about it. Things started looking up for her, though, and that evening she didn’t open my message.
This was a first.
The following day, she’d still not read it, so I sent another message asking if she was okay. She replied almost immediately, said she was fine and asked how I was.
My AvPD/RSD brain immediately filed this under: She’s gone off you.
No further investigation required. Case closed.
So I’ve retaliated by not opening latest message. That was two days ago, and it looks as though this fledgling friendship may now be over too.
One cancelled a meeting, the other didn’t open a message for a day. That’s all the evidence I need.
My brain takes the tiniest hint of possible rejection, turns it into a full-blown social catastrophe and then encourages me to behave in ways that practically guarantee the outcome I’m frightened of.
I cannot deal with the slightest hint of rejection without feeling physically shaky and ill. It’s as though someone has pulled the floor from underneath me. And the urge to withdraw, shut people out or get in first is almost overwhelming.
It’s exhausting. And it’s a pretty effective way of remaining socially isolated.
On an even scarier note, the swan rescue people are coming over this week for a chat about volunteering.
I almost cancelled. I’ve started imagining how awkward I’ll be, how strange I’ll seem, whether I’ll say the wrong thing and whether they’ll take one look at me and wonder why on earth they’ve bothered coming.
Basically, I’ve already managed to make myself uncomfortable about a meeting that hasn’t even happened yet.
But I’m going to give it a go. You never know, do you?