So I used to have this friend, Anna. I met her around twenty years ago and we got pretty close when we were involved with campaigning for animals (fur shops etc). Anna is even trickier than I am which is saying something, and falls out with everyone including me. She is very uptight and on edge and is slighted easily.
For example, one time she was sat in a cafe with a friend and another person. Anna said she was going to start healthy eating soon (she is slim). Her friend laughed and pointed out that Anna had eaten a doughnut the previous night which made Anna fume so much, she didn’t talk to that friend for six months.
Other times, me and her would go out with her dog, stop in a field and have a cup of tea. I’d be sat there opening the flask and Anna would be stood over me getting irritated because I wasn’t going fast enough. I’d get nervous but she would just stand with hands on hips totally on edge, like a silent menacing supervisor.
She’s also one of those people who uses humour to take the piss out of people. Example: We’ll probably get lost if Kate is driving. Kate couldn’t organise a tea party in a tea party cafe. She does it to lots of people and I have seen them physically shrink from it.
Still, apart from that, we had a connection because we both suffer with “issues”. And like most people, she does have her good sides.
We fell out a few years ago and she tried to friend me several months ago but I ignored it. Then two weeks ago, she somehow managed to message me saying she hoped I’d reply and that we had history and a connection. True I thought.
I also knew she was probably going through a hard time and didn’t have anyone to talk to.
Since then we have been chatting online and it has been so good to have that connection from my past. I think when you don’t have that, you feel even more lost in life. At the moment she is being very careful and we are getting along fine. I am helping her to access mental health services in her area because as I thought, she is going through a rough patch (which she will always default back to unfortunately because of the way she processes some things. I’m probably the same).
But one thing I have learned this late in life is that I cannot be around people who make me tremble and stutter and stammer, whether it’s their fault or not.
So I am secretly monitoring the situation.
Those of us with AvPD I think have to be very careful who we hang around with because of the way it makes us feel. The rejection just confirms in our AvPD brains that we are useless pieces of rubbish – because if the opposite were true, then why would people react to us this way!
There’s the thing that some of us do where we think being in contact with people that make them feel bad is better than having no one at all. But I have learnt that it’s just not worth it; I need to be around those rare people who listen to me and think I’m worth that. (Most people don’t like me.) I need to feel valued and if I don’t get that, I am gone.