I have just spent the last hour or so crying – the first time I’ve cried in about four years. Full snotty nose, red puffy eyes, the lot.
You are going to think I’m mad but in a fit of feeling invisible, rejected and abandoned, a few weeks ago I wrote on my unused Facebook page “RIP” to make it look as if I were dead. I suppose my inner thought was, “Would anyone even notice if I’m gone?”
I thought it would be a case of; Oh, Kate’s dead, such a shame – a few crocodile tears and then everyone asks what’s for tea.
The other week my stepdad messaged me on WhatsApp out of the blue. I had blocked him but I remembered recently that I’d bought a new phone, so that must have unblocked his number. I deleted WhatsApp as I don’t use it anyway but two nights ago I got another message from him saying he hoped that I was ok. I ignored it and blocked his number again (he doesn’t care – it’s only his curiosity about his children every so often that causes him to make contact).
But a couple of hours ago, I noticed I had a voicemail message. I listened to it and a woman said, “Kate I’m not sure if this is still your number but I’m a bit worried, can you let me know if you’re ok”. It took me a minute or so to realise it was my sister who I’ve not spoken to in fifteen years.
I was gobsmacked. And then I checked an old email account and she had sent me a message saying she knows I don’t want to hear from them but she was thinking about me last night and was shocked to see my updated page and that she was obviously worried.
And I burst into tears because I didn’t think anyone cared – and actually, I still don’t. My emotions are all over the place. Shock, doubt, anger, longing.
I wish my sister would tell me she loved me and wanted to hug me. That thought was what gave me the snotty nose and puffy eyes. It’s brought it all back to me – the family that I once had, the normalcy of it all.
AvPD has me primed for rejection and I’ve been starved of closeness for so long that even the tiniest sign of someone caring hits like a tidal wave.
But wait a minute! Through my puffy eyes I read her email again. Why accuse me of not wanting her to contact me? I never ever said such a thing. Did my AvPD personality make her think that? But if so, shouldn’t a sister at least clarify first?
And also, I’m sorry, but I cannot forget that my mother died in a hospice and I never got the chance to say goodbye to her because no one told me. Who does that?
But, none of us are perfect. Shouldn’t I just let it all go and reply to her email? I could say I wrote the RIP thing because I had an ex bothering me. Then I could say I always wanted to stay in contact and I’ve been lonely and alone since we lost contact?
But here’s the thing; Unless I feel adored, I will feel rejected. Any criticism from her in my direction is going to make me spiral. And I’m just not sure I want anyone knowing how I’ve ended up with this AvPD thing.
I have three choices:
I can reply saying that I’m alive and not to worry and just leave it as that. I hate the idea of my 82 year old father suffering so maybe I should put myself to one side and think about that.
Or I can elaborate and explain that I don’t know where she got the idea that I wanted no contact. This will get that off my chest but opens me up to a snipey reply.
Or I can just totally ignore which will make them suffer a bit and I get my revenge. I also keep myself safe.
At the moment, I’m not sure what I want to do.