Me and my new online friend have been getting along great. He is so lovely and gentle, attentive; he actually reads what I write and makes comments in a positive way. The long voice notes are draining and I barely even listen to them but that’s just me and my weird personality.
Yesterday, he brought up the idea of us meeting in person again. I said that if he could get me out, it would be a miracle. He replied with a five minute voice note describing all the things we could do when we met (I think? I skipped half the message) – full of plans and enthusiasm. All very optimistic, almost cinematic.
I replied, “I’m not coming out ever,” and sent a laughing face emoji.
This morning I noticed he’d deleted one of his voice notes in reply and written, “Apologies, I get that. You take it easy.”
So I messaged back early, saying, “Oops, did I sound dismissive? I didn’t mean to – hope I haven’t peed you off.”
Eight hours later he replied: “Oh it was just me probably being a little weird. Hope you’re having a nice day.”
It’s that small shift where someone’s behaviour doesn’t fully match the tone they set before. The deleted message and the eight hour (sulking?) delay in the reply made me feel a bit uneasy.
What I’m seeing here feels like a little emotional flinch – a sign that he has another side to his usual very pleasant personality.
But the thing is, I somehow think that maybe I’m in the wrong. Did my short jokey reply saying “I’m not going out ever” seem a little rude considering the effort he put into his long voice note?
I suspect many of us with AvPD often or always think it’s us that’s done something wrong. I struggle with believing my own ability to make judgement calls.
I was going to give him my number but to be on the safe side, I’m not now.
Because he has been lovely, but if someone turns slightly strange just because I’m not lapping up their invitations for a real life meet – that’s going to make me take a little step back. Maybe it’s the kind of weird that gets worse when it’s handed your phone number.
Or maybe I’m totally wrong and this is how friendships are formed, or maybe I come across as a little hot headed bitch; I lack social graces after all.
But there is one thing that I DO know; people don’t understand AvPD. They think we are just shy and need a drink to loosen up. They think that if we get to know a person online for a month, we can overcome our “shyness”. But if it were that easy, we would all have social lives and wouldn’t be avoidant!
Right now I feel as if he is punishing me with the eight hour delay and the very short message in response, so I’ve not replied.
Am I just extremely high maintenance or is my reaction normal I wonder.
I think it’s me!