I’ve made an online friend but, true to form, I’ve nearly blocked him twice already. He messaged me on Facebook and somehow we’ve been making each other laugh – which is shocking really, considering my default mood is miserable with a side of “can’t be arsed, everyone f*ck off”.
When I say that I can’t be bothered – it’s the polite chit chat I cannot stand. The dinner party talk – the endless boring droning on about stuff I have no interest in. Me laughing – well it happens as I have a weird sense of humour, but it happens when I’m alone.
But before the laughter, I had my finger on the block button twice. This was because he was sending me links to things I might like; things we had been talking about. But I don’t want links. I don’t want endless stuff to click on, and I can’t be bothered with a two hour video on something I’m only vaguely interested in.
It’s like when I had WhatsApp back when I had some friends. People sending me videos of men drinking pints standing on their heads is just boring to me.
I wish I found small talk and stupid videos funny and/or interesting. Imagine the joy – my life could be one long episode of Coronation Street, trading zingers over cups of tea. Instead, I just look like someone waiting for the fire drill to end (constantly panic stricken).
Another reason I almost blocked him was because of his lengthy voice notes which drain me, but also his slightly Northern accent which I don’t really like. I also don’t like the way he says “Ayyy” instead of “Yes”.
Because I like doing solo activities, I selfishly and quietly audition people to see if they are worth my time – and given my dislike of most conversation, the bar is set pretty high.
He’s not flirty, which is a relief.
So the day I was almost crying with laughter was the day my car had to go in for its MOT. I told him that I once snogged the *manager at another garage after weeks of texts and phone calls. My new friend mocked me endlessly about whether I got a discount.
And I thought to myself – if the shoe was on the other foot and my new friend had told me this story, my ears would have pricked up and I would have been engaged.
Normally I hide behind safe topics to avoid rejection, but every so often I wander out of my comfort zone – and it makes me wonder why I bother censoring myself at all. How is anyone meant to bond over the kind of small talk I can’t stand in the first place?
We have been cackling about other stuff too – but honestly, my interest is still limited because I’d rather be doing other things that I like doing, so I do think, even if I were surrounded by people on the same level as me, I’d still want to be alone a lot of the time. But it would maybe be nice to socialize naturally every now and then and not have the strained energy stealing chat that I hate so much.
It would be nice to be introverted rather than having AvPD though.
Since I haven’t blocked him, I’ve actually gotten to know him – and I want him to be okay. He seems a bit vulnerable, having left home at fifteen and losing touch with his family. I think that kind of thing messes with your psyche. So yes, my soft side has made a rare cameo in the early stages of this relationship.
I now have two online friends…and that’s it – but my plan is to make more of them who don’t live too far away from me in the hope that eventually they like my online persona enough not to reject me if we meet in real life. And the test I’m looking forward to is how I am when I meet these people I’ve built online friendships with.
All this made me think about how I handle other relationships too. This week, out of nowhere, I got a WhatsApp message from my stepdad. I’d blocked him 18 months ago because he only ever kept vague tabs on me, never acting like a real father. But a few weeks ago, I had downloaded WhatsApp because I was going to join a local group – I decided against that in the end but forgot to delete the app.
I set high standards in relationships once I am friends with a person (I’d previously told my stepdad when he gets to the stage he needed help, he could move in with me and I’d look after him – the only time he ever got animated was when talking about driving directions; he never bothered about me really), they fall short, and I’m left feeling let down.
I wonder if other people with AvPD have high standards with their friends and family, and feel the same when they see how others treat them. Are AvPD types givers and people pleasers, destined to be perpetually disappointed, and somehow think it’s their fault?
Ps: I’ve just seen my new friend’s photo. He’s not bad looking but why am I disappointed that I don’t fancy him?
* (The garage manager is a perfect example of how people vanish the second they get a whiff of what a wreck I really am. Apparently good enough to flirt with – maybe even shag if it had gone that way – but not quite relationship material. In other words: rental, not mortgage.)