I cannot stand long voice notes. I may have to tell him that at some point, because I’m fast forwarding through them anyway. Whenever I see one that’s longer than a minute, my heart sinks and I physically sigh. By the end, I feel like I’ve aged noticeably.
I don’t know if this is an AvPD thing or just my low tolerance for conversation that doesn’t involve some sort of thrill. I’ve said before that I find conversation boring, so maybe this is just me.
I didn’t reply to my sister, so the only people I currently have in my life are my one email friend (who I’ve never met) and this new online friend.
The good news is we’re becoming fast online bezzies. I think this is because we both need each other – in that comfortable, slightly desperate way that only two isolated people can.
What I struggle with is when I meet someone online through an AvPD or loneliness group, and they turn out to have a whole family, friends, and weekend plans. I try not to hold it against them, but it’s hard not to feel a bit tricked. Their version of “lonely” still has people in it. Mine doesn’t. My other online friend has a family too, but we have common interests, so that balances things out. It’s just difficult to explain what “no one” really means to someone who’s never experienced it.
The worst bit of making new friends online is the small talk stage. “Where do you live?” “Do you have family?” It’s like filling in a very dull form. After that, the conversation usually dies and you never hear from them again.
I got chatting to a woman on Facebook recently – we exchanged five messages, covered the basics, and then she replied to my questions without asking a single thing about me. So I didn’t reply. Due to my rejection issues, I saw that as her not being interested in friendship. Also, to me, it’s a bit rude.
My new friend is different. We’ve actually been involved in each other’s lives recently. He had some drama and we spent three days messaging back and forth trying to sort it out. It brought us closer. It’s all very well swapping childhood stories, but it’s the “what’s happening right now” that makes a friendship real to me.
One afternoon we even watched the same film from our own homes and messaged about it while it played. It was oddly nice. Maybe next time we’ll share a meal together (still apart, obviously). I’m only half joking.
So yes, things are going well. Even though he knows I struggle to meet people, we’ve talked about going to a theme park one day and meeting up in real life.
We shall see.