Living with avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) isn’t easy. (Massive understatement.) But we have to make the most out of it. Over the years, I’ve learnt what type of social situations stress me out, which is most of them! But I’ve realised I can get my social fix (validation?) in certain ways.
We can’t all build lives around dinner parties and shared office jokes. But we can build lives around things that feel bearable or even good for us.
Online Friendships: Connection Without Performance
One of the most important ways I’ve learned to cope – and yes, even connect – is through online friendships. I’ve had a friend since 2019 who I’ve never met in person, but we’re involved in each other’s lives. Even though most of our conversations happen online (and occasionally on the phone), it makes me feel less alone, and on especially difficult days, chatting to my friends online can make me feel better.
This friendship didn’t come out of a need to talk about AvPD. In fact, my friend doesn’t have any mental health issues. We met in a forum for people interested in alterative therapies, and started to PM each other. We both quite like a drama and we can be in hysterics with our back and forth emails. I know about her family issues, relationship highs and lows, even her brother being an idiot last Christmas. These things make me feel like I belong somewhere. And instead of starting an email with “How’s the weather?”, I can just say, “So, what did your mum say this time?”
That’s what making the most out of AvPD can be like: creating closeness in ways that bypass the panic of face-to-face connection.
In conversations, I need time to process what people are saying before I can reply and by the time I’ve thought of a response, the other person has already started talking again leaving me hanging.
Lately, I’ve also started looking for online friends who do live with AvPD or similar challenges. One woman I chat to regularly really gets it – how hard it is to function sometimes, how even short conversations can drain you. It’s not about trauma bonding, but it is about understanding. Still, I’ve learned that just because someone shares your diagnosis or interests doesn’t mean you’ll click. Sometimes, you don’t. Keep searching. That, too, is part of making the most out of AvPD: knowing when to stay, and when to get rid.
The MIND charity (and others) do online Zoom meetings where you can chat and listen to others in similar situations. I find these don’t work much for me because I’m just too nervous talking, even on Zoom, but it might work for you.
Hobbies: True Crime, Cats And Animals In General
When you spend most of your life alone, what you do in your solitude becomes essential. For me, it’s true crime books, especially the ones about serial killers and the psychology behind them. I know it’s dark, but reading about such awful things can leave me hanging, but this time, in a good way. It’s total escapism and completely absorbing. I have to say though that if I continuously read or watch something (escapism), it makes me depressed, and I’ve learnt that getting back into the real world, doing life admin and hopefully doing something for the future makes me feel better.
I also live with two rescue cats who keep me endlessly entertained. I can’t imagine life without them. Rescue animals seem to understand what it means to find safety after chaos. I’ve been known to dance for them (they look horrified) and we play hide and seek.
Am I the only person who lays flat in the bath, hiding, barely able to contain my giggles?
Still, there are days when doing hobbies in complete silence, with no social interaction, makes me feel really low. That’s when I try to lean back into my online friendships, even briefly. I’ve found that the right mix of solitude and connection can keep me afloat. That, again, is part of making the most out of AvPD: building a routine that balances escape with emotional survival.
The Power Of Small Interactions
I’ve finally accepted that I’m not someone who thrives at parties or community groups. I’ve stopped forcing myself to attend social events that only increase my anxiety (although in the back of my mind I sometimes think about creating my own local social group for people with mental health issues).
Sometimes, the smallest interaction can lift my whole day. A word with the postman. Nodding at a neighbor while taking the bins out (just please don’t come over and chat to me – well not unless you are a nervous type too because sometimes I can talk to nervous people okish). Giving way to a driver and getting that little thank you wave. These brief, surface level moments don’t ask much from me, but they offer a little spark of connection. And sometimes, a spark is enough.
Because my anxiety is sort of backward, I’m actually more comfortable with transactional interactions – appointments, deliveries, that sort of thing. If someone is being paid to talk to me, it oddly gives me confidence. The gardener needs me to pay him. The doctor is paid to listen. That exchange makes me feel less like I’m a burden. Weirdly, hospital visits and dental checkups often cheer me up more than small talk at a party ever could.
Making the most out of AvPD can mean noticing what works for you, and going along with that.
Know What Works. Get Rid Of What Doesn’t.
One of the biggest things I’ve learned is this: you don’t have to live according to anyone else’s social blueprint. You just need to pay attention to what works – and what doesn’t – and make adjustments from there. The difficulty is finding what works for you but with trial and error, you will know.
For years, I tried to make “real life” friendships happen. I went to coffee meetups for people with mental health challenges, thinking that shared experience would be enough to build a bond. But I quickly realized that coffee meetups are not my thing. I don’t enjoy small talk. I find many conversations tedious or draining. And the truth is, I’d rather be doing an activity, if I’m going to be social at all. (And no, not cross-stitching. Still trying to figure out what I actually like doing.)
Making the most out of AvPD means getting honest about your limits, and not forcing yourself into a mold that doesn’t fit. If texting a friend, petting a cat, or reading about serial killers makes you feel a little more alive, that’s enough. You don’t have to show up to every invite or fake enthusiasm in group chats just to keep up appearances.
And if you want to work on your social fears, you can. Talk to one new person. Try something small. But it’s also okay if you don’t. Sometimes the bravest thing isn’t pushing yourself harder, it’s accepting what doesn’t work and being done with it.
Making The Most Out Of AvPD: Not A Slogan, But A Strategy
I live a reclusive life now, and honestly, it suits me. Not because I don’t long for connection – I do – but because I’ve stopped trying to force the kind of connection that stresses me more than it helps.
There are hard days. There’s loneliness. But there’s also relief in no longer auditioning to be the most likeable or easygoing person in the room. That pressure is gone.
Making the most out of AvPD doesn’t mean pretending it’s a superpower or trying to turn it into something it’s not. It means figuring out how to live alongside it, with compassion, creativity, and honesty. It means building a life that suits your nervous system, your preferences, and your need for peace.
It might not be a conventional life. But it can still be a good one.
I sometimes remind myself that the grass isn’t always greener; all those people with lots of connections and stuff going on? They can be suicidal, depressed and empty, too.
Further Reading And Resources
Humans need solitude’: How being alone can make you happier – Explores how alone time can be good for you.
Why Some Loners Are So Happy – Discusses research on the positive aspects of being a loner, including mental health benefits.