OCD Behaviours
Does anybody get so stressed about how they have come across to other people that it sets off OCD behaviours? Apparently, these quirky little habits are supposed to help us “cope” with our stress, but honestly, I don’t see how counting out touches or repeating phrases like a broken record is making me feel better. Unless, of course, exploding from embarrassment is a legitimate concern.
Whenever I find myself cringing over my interactions, I become a touchy-feely connoisseur, meticulously adjusting the pressure and balance until my fingers are satisfied. And if both hands are involved, don’t expect me to stop anytime soon.
But my OCD tendencies aren’t limited to just tactile rituals.
I read somewhere ages ago that soldiers suffering with PTSD would sometimes shout things out or burst into song to get the nasty killing and maiming images out of their minds. My ears pricked up when I read this because I do the same when thinking about how socially awkward I’ve been around other people.
I used to do some animal rights activism many years ago and remembering those awful images I’ve seen also has the same effect on me. Sometimes I have to gather myself when I’ve let out a stream of expletives or burst into song and then realise my patio doors are open.
Lord knows what my neighbours think!
I burst into OCD behaviour remembering things I’ve seen or done from twenty years ago, not just the day before. When I’m shouting things out I sometimes have to do it a certain amount of times, because if I don’t then my animals will have a hard time in the afterlife. :(.
Even when I’m just talking to my two rescue cats, I have to say things twice, so it’s not always to do with feeling distressed.
But the shame and embarrassment that I feel about the way that I interact with people is the main culprit here. It’s to do with getting those thoughts out of my mind as quickly as I can because I cannot bear them. Sometimes, I don’t shout or burst into a dialogue; often I just murmur under my breath on repeat a few times.
It’s estimated that between 4% and 22% of people with PTSD also have a diagnosis of OCD, which makes me wonder if the trauma of our memories is connected to PTSD from either childhood memories or from the stress of our interactions with other people.
Hypervigilance
Back when I was in therapy for my social anxiety – way before I even knew what AvPD was – I mentioned to my therapist how noises really got under my skin. That’s when he hit me with the term “hypervigilant,” which was a new one for me at the time.
If I hear loud voices outside my house, my first thought isn’t “oh, the neighbors are having a lively chat.” No, it’s more like “the invasion is imminent, better prepare for battle.”
I think I get hypervigilant because I also see loud neighbourly voices as being unconcerned about the people around them. It’s as if they are saying: we can talk as loud as we like because we don’t have enough respect for you to bother about what you’re thinking. Eg, they don’t like me, which is obviously an AvPD fear.
I find it odd that when someone is talking to me, I can’t hear what they are saying because I’m in my head worrying about how I’m coming across, and yet I can actually hear clear conversations from three doors down.
Hypervigilance is commonly associated with conditions such as post-traumatic stress disorder, personality disorders, anxiety disorders, and paranoia. People with these conditions may experience hypervigilance as a result of past trauma, ongoing stress, or underlying fears and insecurities, although there is little research specifically related to AvPD.
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