When we have AvPD, it’s our extreme fear of rejection, feelings of inadequacy, inferiority and negative criticism that makes us avoidant. I think that most humans are always looking for validation in their interactions – you only have to observe or experience these interactions to see how people try to dominate the space.

But for us with AvPD, it’s like we need a constant IV drip of praise and acceptance just to function. Rejection hits us like a sledgehammer to the ego, leaving us scrambling for cover in our hermit caves. :(.

Our extreme fear of rejection is severe enough that we would just rather avoid social situations, and in some cases, live as a recluse. It can be tough but rather that than the alternative.

And it’s not just the usual rejections that life throws at us such as being turned down for a job or being dumped by a partner that bother us to the point of avoidant living.

On the perceived rejection scale, I’d imagine we are all different in what things bother us. Maybe some people with AvPD don’t see rejection where I see it.

Inside The Mind Of Someone With An Extreme Fear Of Rejection 

Digital communication rejection makes me feel naff but it’s the real life interactions that bring out my OCD behaviours. Here are some examples of how I can feel rejected.

Lost In Translation: The Drama Of Unsatisfying Punctuation And Emojis 

If I’m corresponding with someone online or by text and they send me a capital kiss (X), but then follow up with a lower case kiss (x), my mind tells me that I’ve been demoted because my last comms with them weren’t good enough.

If I send a joke to someone and they respond with a thumbs up or similar, rather than a crying with laughter face, I’ll instantly feel embarrassed and know that I’m not good enough to communicate with that person. :(.

You can apply this thinking to all digital communications where I’m concerned; If I’m having an online rant about something and someone replies with a scratching head emoji instead of an angry or sad face emoji, I will see that as a bit of an insult. Or I’ll wonder if I’m being over sensitive – even if I’m clearly not and my rant is justified.

If I’m on Facebook and other people’s comments receive loveheart emojis but mine receives a “like” or ignored – I’ll feel dejected, rejected and just a bit naff. On a bad day, I’m likely to flounce out of the group. (I am trying not to do these things.)

And it’s not all about emojis or punctuation.

If I’m chatting away with someone online or through text and their last message doesn’t end with a question, I’m convinced they must think I’m about as charming as a wet sock and want nothing to do with me. Therapists will tell you to look for the evidence that they are rejecting you and it’s true, maybe they are just busy and will follow up later on, or maybe it’s the end of the conversation from their end for now. No big deal for most people, but for me it makes me feel insecure and doubting myself and my worth to that person.

If someone unfollows me on X.

I love playing Word Chums on my phone. I rarely initiate a conversation in the chat box but if the other person does, I will usually reply depending on what they have said. Then if they then don’t reply to my reply, I will politely finish the game and then block them.

That’s another side to my extreme fear of rejection; I can get very defensive. I think this is because I need to try and gain some sense of control.

In Person Struggles: More Like Face Frying Than Thriving 

The one thing that I think is possibly quite common for those of us with AvPD and which screams rejection is when people talk over me. As I’m not a confident talker and can barely manage a sentence at a time, I find people do this quite a lot to me. Depending on who the person is and the situation, this is one that sets off my OCD behaviours. I’ve got to the point now where I’ll end the conversation as quick as I politely can and I’ll avoid those people in the future. And seeing as most people talk over me, I prefer to be alone.

Most in person chat leaves me feeling really bad though. I cannot tell a story as my voice will quaver, so my attempts at conversations are short sentences and I will ask questions to take the focus off of me.

And can’t people talk when you ask them about themselves.

Also, have you noticed that they rarely ask you about you?! Half an hour later, I can still be there nodding politely. This also sets off my OCD behaviours because I know I haven’t said enough and my true nervous self has been outed.

Unfortunately for them though, I’ve not heard a word they have said because I’m too “in my head” wondering which face I should be pulling or how my general body language should be, or I’m wondering if I dare say something. I often feel that I can’t though because they aren’t stopping for breath any time soon.

My fear of rejection can also make me a bit offhand with people sometimes because I think that if they are cool with me then I don’t look like a complete fool by having been over friendly with them. I also think I’m testing people when I do this. I remember when I was in my 20’s, one of my boyfriends used to call me Miss Tester. In fact, I’ve put my boyfriends through the wringer over the years by constantly trying to get them to prove that I’m at the top of their list (never over their children though because us AvPD’ers never want the children to feel rejection seeing as our rejection issues often stem from our own childhoods) and nothing they did was ever enough for me.

Another weird thing I do quite a lot is to have fake conversations in my mind. In these imagined interactions I’m exchanging words quite normally just trying to see what it would feel like to be able to do that.

Anger Issues When Feeling Rejected 

When I’m feeling rejected, sometimes my way of coping is to retaliate in not very nice ways – especially when it’s a boyfriend rejecting me but also in other areas. I think the anger reaction kicks in because I like to feel in control – if that person acts in a way that shows me they don’t like me and they have also – in my view – taken liberties, then on a bad day, look out.

I know lots of people have anger issues without having AvPD, but seeing as our extreme fear of rejection is the main reason we have this rotten disorder, I sometimes wonder if it’s a thing with us.

Real Life Examples Of My Anger Issues To Feeling Rejected 

I had an ex-boyfriend (fiance) track me down on Facebook. We were best friends once-upon-a-time, but I had finished with him after three years – probably looking for a new victim. I hadn’t heard from him in twenty years and was really pleased when he contacted me. He was running his own pub and posting photos and videos of his events and such but all he had for me were two or three sentences at a time. So I blocked him forever. In my mind, I am teaching him a lesson and I hope he regrets not trying harder with me.

Another time, I was seeing a guy who wasn’t being honest with me about his ex-girlfriend who he had originally dumped for me. I discovered one night that he was out with her. So as you do, I went out and poured paint all over his lovely sports car. Satisfying but psychotic.

I remember coming out of the supermarket one time and there was a queue of cars leaving the car park. I didn’t put my seatbelt on right away as we were crawling, but I was just about to when I noticed the guy in the car in front of me throwing his hands up in the air and making a thing of pulling his seatbelt over him. I followed that guy for two miles revving my car like a lunatic. I wanted him to stop so that I could confront him and tell him to mind his own business, but then I realised I was just being idiotic so turned round and went home. I’m sure he was horrified.

Another day, another road rage incident: I indicated pretty late coming off the motorway onto the slip road. White Van Man behind me decided to drive really close behind me in an intimidating manner, so I picked up some speed, waited for him to catch up and then slammed my foot on the brake. He had to stop sharpish and his engine cut out. I was thrilled but it was a silly thing to do. When he caught up with me at the traffic lights we had a few cross words. I have to say though that I was quite proud of myself for that one and chuckled the rest of the way home.

But it’s not a good look is it?

I doubt that many people with AvPD would resort to the embarrassing behaviour mentioned above when dealing with perceived rejection. But for those of us with an extreme fear of rejection, it’s as if some of us feel worthless unless we are made to feel adored. And if some of us are feeling hated, it seems that retaliation is the antidote to regain control and a bit of…..self worth?

That’s how it’s for me anyway.